Monday, December 11, 2006



...hmmm. How do I explain this? I've been having this, well, experience. It's only happened four times over the last two weeks; once in a store, once while watching a crowd scene in an old movie, once while talking to Mom and once while idly surfing the net, watching South African music videos. Without warning, something, a filter or something, I guess, falls away and I find myself looking at my surroundings, people, surfaces and objects, even the air, as though everything was made of Swarovski crystal. Although it is clearly an optical experience, it is also intellectual and emotional. When I was looking at my mother, for instance, it was as though I saw her as all her transitions, up to now, in a fullness I'd not previously experienced. With objects, surfaces and the air, it is as though I become acutely aware of their structure and the process through which they were made. It is an overwhelming experience, as well, and after the effect has left, as it does within minutes, although imperceptibly, I don't become aware that it's fading until it's gone, I find myself in tears.
    It's not at all scary. It feels quite comfortable. I'm equally comfortable when the perspective is gone. Although the reality around me seems heightened during these experiences, I don't. I'm not left with any perceptions, extraordinary or not, just this feeling that, for some moments I was, somehow, more present than usual, more aware than normal. I continue to operate normally while the state unfolds. The tears at the end are a quick gush and easy to disguise. My mother didn't even notice that I had teared up, and she's usually quick to point out my teary interludes because she finds them amusing. It hasn't changed my askew moods, either, nor rendered life easier, nor harder, nor caused me to be less or more susceptible to irritation or acceptance. The first experience surprised me and I wondered if it was an aberration caused by my concentration on the movie. The second told me that, no, it wasn't dependent on circumstance. The third and the fourth episodes made me realize that I will probably have more, although there appears to be nothing I can do to cause them, nor do I have any desire to do anything to retain the state while it is happening. On the one hand, I hesitate to consider them spiritual experiences because I'm noticing no change in my approach toward life. On the other, it's hard to classify them as anything, even hallucinations (and, believe me, I'm familiar with hallucinatory experiences). When they are taking place I feel the opposite of "removed"; actually, I feel more as though I've been "moved in". I do not, however, feel "removed" when the experience has receded.
    Anyway, it's a curious thing. I wanted to record the experiences somewhere, in case I've experienced the last of them, so that I'll remember, wonder about them later and, maybe, discover their generation. This seems as good a place to do it as any. And, at any rate, they seem somehow connected to the life I am, at the moment, leading, which is directly related to being my mother's companion.

    On a different track, I have a prediction. I predict that, when the holidays are over, the United States Economic Engine will find that people have spent substantially less, this year, during the holidays and many businesses will be surprised to find themselves scuffling on the other side of a black ledger. I've been astonished to notice, when running errands, lately, that, even though Prescott is never crowded with hoards of shoppers, even during the holidays, there is no discernible difference between the amount of shopping going on this year during the holidays and a normal day during any other time of year. I believe that this will be explained by the experts as "consumers" having a lowered level of "confidence" in "the economy", due to the real estate market, the political conflicts because of the war, etc., but I think something else is going on. I think, in a current deep, deep, deep beneath the surface, a sea change is taking place. I'm not sure what this bodes for future economic stability. I suspect, though, that, at least for awhile, perhaps some years, things will turn bleak and seem to get bleaker. I also think that a solution that has never been tried will have to be invented and engineered in order for, well, to put it conservatively, "confidence to return to the marketplace", although I think a radically modified marketplace will be the most insignificant of all the modifications about to be initiated. I'm excited about this, even though I suspect that we are about to enter some years of great fear, instability, even turmoil. I can't put my finger on why, but something is indicating to me that the United States and some other countries, as well, eventually all countries, are about to receive a startling, critical mass kick in the ass. I, further, think that social arrangements, including caregiving of all types, are going to change radically over the next decade or so, as a result. I think our current economic system is going to be blown apart. I'm pleased about this. I have been concerned that I was going to have to challenge the economic system all by myself but I think the trumpet has already sounded. What a relief!
    I can't wait to see whether I'm right and what kind of a world will come of it.
    In recognition of a post I read and admired some hours ago at Fading From Memory, I hereby label this post:

Originally posted by Mona Johnson: Mon Dec 11, 06:09:00 PM 2006

Gail, I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to check The Mom & Me Journals - sorry! This post is a great example of why I missed visiting here - hallucinations mixed with economic theory - I love the way you think.

I too have a nagging feeling that the current economy is rotten underneath, although I don't see any signs of that here in stores in Tampa Bay. Maybe this is just another "symptom" of middle age...
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