Mom & Me Journals Histories: 1999 - 2001

As of May 1, 2010...

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 04:28:00 +0000

...Blogger will no longer allow FTP publishing. Updates to this blog, which will probably be few to none, since this section of The Mom & Me Journals dot Net is, essentially, closed by time, can be found at http://momandmehistories.blogspot.com. This section of the journal will also remain at in it's domain directory, so accessing links should not present a problem.

Selective Christmas Celebrating - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Tue, 25 Dec 2001 00:13:00 +0000

When I took my mother to the hair salon this morning I walked in and announced I was the Grinch and I was in the process of stealing Christmas. I had some errands to run while my mother got her hair done. When I returned everyone pummeled me with much good humor and affection. It felt good. I don't take the holidays well, even at my best, you should know that about me. This year I've having a pretty bad year so that doesn't help. Not my worst, but I've seen much, much better. I do like the light displays, though. I'm a sucker for the glitter of Christmas. Even and especially the garish glitter, like ZooLights and Fantasyland light displays. So is my mother so we'll be hitting all the spectacular sites this year.

Clean Slate - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sat, 22 Dec 2001 05:18:00 +0000

    This evening I am cleaning my mother's shit out of the carpet, spot by spot, in long a trail from one bathroom to another. She had her first old age fecal accident today and it scared her, causing her to trot from one bathroom to the other trying to control it. There go holiday preparations for another day. I always wondered when this would happen. I'm not surprised that I'm undaunted by it but I am completely surprised by, and grateful for my mother's aplomb. When I was cleaning her up, top to bottom, so to speak, I told her that I wanted her to know that doing this doesn't bother me, that I am glad I'm here for this, in fact, because I am "in a position" (and I intended the pun as I talked to her) to be able to clean her and the shit up better than she could. I also tried very hard to convey to her that I have a very philosophical attitude toward shitting accidents. I consider the human body a machine that occasionally needs such maintenance so I don't want her to be "afraid" of having them or so worried about them that when one occurred she didn't tell me about it until an even greater mess was made.
    I guess I needn't have worried. Her response was, "I know. I cleaned up after four little machines for several years."
    The gods bless my mother.

Maybe this Much Sleep Isn't Normal - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 21 Dec 2001 07:33:00 +0000

My mother's doctor's appointment generated some concern. Not mortal concern, but, thank god, they took her excessive sleeping seriously and are setting her up for a daunting series of tests throughout the holidays (of course, why not add to the holiday fun) which begins tomorrow, as early as I can get her up for a fasting blood sugar.

More Managing - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Thu, 20 Dec 2001 03:50:00 +0000

I'd better get to bed. I also have other stuff to do including finding a new phone and delivering boxes of Christmas goodies on behalf of my mother, who is no longer able to bake. She can look at a recipe for a good half hour and still not remember or understand how to do it.

Nitty Gritty Management - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Mon, 17 Dec 2001 08:36:00 +0000

I don't watch much TV. I wasn't raised on it so I never got into the habit of watching it, although I occasionally have sessions where I am glued to the thing for a couple of days to see what the medium is producing, then it disappoints me and I stop. My mother however, oddly, loves TV, especially having it going on in the background. She also has certain shows that she watches religiously. So do I but I only have a few and it doesn't bother me to miss them. My mother plans her life around her shows and she's got at least a couple for every day of the week. I am my mother's TV show reminder. She gets pissed at me if I forget one of her shows.

Why Sleep? Here's Why... - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 16 Dec 2001 23:54:00 +0000

So, you know I'm back now (no tree, I guess that'll happen tomorrow) and I'm planning dinner, getting my mother up. She sleeps a lot, at least it seems so to me. It worries me sometimes but her doctor isn't worried and her health is not only not suffering, it continues to rally some, depending on whatever else she does or does not do...I guess at 84 she needs to catch up on all the sleep she lost when she was teaching and raising a family.

Mom's Favorite Holiday - To MFS

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 09 Dec 2001 15:24:00 +0000

So, how are you? I figured I'd give you a call this week, check in, see how Christmas is going. Mom, as you know, always remembers that it's Christmas, so I have to be a Christmas elf but that's okay, elves are known for being a little on the disgusting side and that suits me...

...briefly considered. - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 02 Dec 2001 16:07:00 +0000

I do not have the impression that I would have to give up some aspects of my life that I value, as you suggest, including my relationship with my mother. I think I covered this. There is the distinct possibility, which I have thought for some time, that my mother could use a change. In fact, for awhile last year when I was in the thick of trying to deal with a corrupt insurance company and not quite maintaining my grip I was almost compelled to admit that I might not even be best for her in some critical business ways. There is a way, MLDL, I believe there is a way, and it will come from further inspired thought as these fetal thoughts develop.

Brief consideration... - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 02 Dec 2001 03:15:00 +0000

How would you feel if I was your geisha, if I gave myself a year to figure out a way to ply my talents and make money to be with you where you are, to set up another situation with my mother (which can be arranged, there is another daughter who tells me she would gladly take her in; it's just that it would mean moving my mother's home to Florida, probably, which would be a significant change for my mother). I have the same concerns about my mother that you do. A change might do all of us some good, especially if I was able to make the change come to fruition through my own directed efforts. I would not suddenly stop my business enterprises and writing, etc., so I would not only be able to pretty much keep myself...I would be able to travel and spend significant amounts of time with my mother, perhaps even enhance her financial situation, and be your geisha, always, your geisha, MLDL...well, think about it.

Considerations - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Thu, 22 Nov 2001 13:17:00 +0000

    Again, voice mail applies to this phone so you will never get a busy signal. The reason I finally capitulated to getting voice mail about six months ago is that I discovered that my mother was forgetting how to operate our answering machines and accidentally erasing messages before I got to them. She doesn't understand voice mail so there is no chance of her fiddling with it. I'm not even sure she realizes we have it. Speaking of which, if you are trying to reach me and get my mother when I'm not home, be assured that if you leave a message with her, even as simple as "tell her I called" I will either not get the message or she will tell me someone called who didn't, or she will say, "Someone called you, I think it was a [choose one] man/woman (which isn't always correct, either) and they wanted you to call back. I figured you'd know who it was."
    Since I know her hearing continues to fade, which not only doesn't bother her but in some ways she prefers it, I notice as her impairment increases so does my gratitude for this impairment. Most of the time now she doesn't hear the phone. As that continues, my job of managing the business of her life eases.
    Luckily, she gets a kick out of me 'being' her business self. "I've never had such an interesting reputation," she tells me regularly as I negotiate her life for her. Which is true. She has never been much for wrangling with people even when it's necessary, although, being a natural trader, she can put up a good show even though, when it comes to something other than getting a good price in an open market, she backs down. As well, she has no more of a gift for words than average, so, by default, I've boosted (and colorized, quite a bit) her reputation in the world.

Getting Together; or Not - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sat, 17 Nov 2001 16:51:00 +0000

Even though I know this isn't going to happen for some time, this paragraph is about the reality of when we will be able to be together. For me it would not be until this summer, at the earliest. Because I am so involved in my mother's life as she ages and needs me to "be" her life, as well as be with her more and more, over the last year I have changed my way of visiting with people I know. When I have no one to adequately, lovingly "cover" my mother I do not visit with people nor do I have them visit me if they do not have a relationship with my mother. This is because when I leave her alone a not insignificant part of me remains with her. Even going to pick up a car at the shop, going to the store, etc., she is on my mind, she is in my conversation, I wonder all kinds of details about her: Is she awake, is she taking another nap, is she getting confused about something, thus not doing something she needs to do because I'm not there to read her confusion and offer her my clarity...these are only three of a million item check-list/wonder-list, that my mind constantly considers at this stage of my caretaking of my mother. From an experience a little over a year ago I learned the hard way that it is impossible for me to entertain an out-of-town visitor specific to me and to free myself from my mother for that time so I can really be with my visitors. Because of my sisters' lives with their husbands and children I do not have the possibility of relief for myself until sometime this summer.

The Importance of Being Hair Dressed - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Wed, 07 Nov 2001 13:31:00 +0000

Today is my mother's hairdressing appointment. It is understood between us that this also involves her feeling, within an hour or so of having her hair done, tremendously good in several ways and wanting to do some protracted people watching. She'll want to go out for lunch and try to get me to look at perfect strangers behind me because there is something about them she wants me to see. She is a subtle, shameless, delightful gossip. She also once told me, which continues to amaze me when I think of it, that she was incredibly vain as a young woman, up to her early 30's; she was, also, I know, I remember, quite beautiful, in a classic sense. The art department of the college from which she graduated would often borrow her as a face model. Maybe we'll sit in the park if it is warm this afternoon. If I have places to go she may go with me and enjoy herself.

Loneliness and Me - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 02 Nov 2001 20:50:00 +0000

My experience of my commitment is, well, it's not lonely, in fact, sometimes it is much too packed with people. There are times, though, when I feel as though I have had to put aside the essence of me (even as I do those things which are natural to me, aside from my mother's life, which I discovered and practiced before and continue to discover and practice, now) because I am always focused on my mother. Even when I visit friends or they visit me. Even when I engage with a lover and he with me, my mother is there; not as a cautionary, not as a ruler, but as my charge. It colors everything I do, all of my relationships.

Juggling Relationships - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 02 Nov 2001 20:19:00 +0000

Having already told you that I have this fantasy, as well, with you, I must also tell you that this fantasy is unlikely to play itself out in reality because of the commitment I have made to be my mother's companion up to her death. I do not consider this commitment a substitute for childbearing and rearing. It is completely different than these and, as it turns out right now in this society, much rarer than that. It is, though, something to which I have committed myself, voluntarily and gladly, and any other commitments I chose to make will, necessarily, submit to this one until this one is done.

The Unexpected - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 02 Nov 2001 16:25:00 +0000

I find, for instance, that I have fallen in love with, and continue to fall deeper in love with my mother, as I come to know her in this part of her life.

Juggling Attention - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Fri, 02 Nov 2001 15:11:00 +0000

One last (jarring, I'm afraid, but not bad) reason I have had to neglect my favorite very early morning time, lately, to sleep is because as we prepare this house for its winter rest and gather our (my mother's) "stuff" for transfer she is an evening and late night person. "I've always hated to go to bed," she tells me, almost every night, and, I know, since she was a child, she has. Our seasonal gathering and transfer of "stuff" is something in which she wants to be involved (it is primarily her stuff, after all) and as long as she wants to, as long as she remembers to, I want her to so I make it happen. During the days of The Move I observe a sort of Mother Saving Time and switch my clock to hers. I believe this is part of what keeps her going and keeps her wondering enough about life to continue looking forward, wanting to see what lies ahead, even unto her death, which is an adventure in itself. My observance of her version of this Ancient Journey is something I would not give up for anything, not anything...

After Birthday Mother's Day - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Thu, 01 Nov 2001 14:21:00 +0000

AND, since I made sure, in my careful way, that yesterday, my birthday, in this household, in my community, where I live, was all about me (I do, and yesterday did, this on purpose, so I don't get lost in my mother's life, which would be very bad for both her and me), today is all about my mother. I'm sure, I say with a knowing, loving smile "about" her, that this is the reason she began to "crank"; yesterday. Every phone call was for me, every knock at the door, every time I turned around I was singing "Happy Birthday" to myself at the top of my lungs, everything thing I did, yesterday, except for the necessities, was for me, including the exhilarating amount of time I spent with you. And, I can hear my mother rousing, so, her day is about to begin, and mine as it surrounds hers.

No Regrets - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 28 Oct 2001 13:28:00 +0000

You are absolutely right in guessing why I used the word "pornography". My erotica is not pornography to me, it's too genteel for that word, I think, but it is to my mother, and I was writing to you about my mother's concept (and expression) of what I do. Sometimes, I think the reason she prefers the word "pornography" to describe all sexual material is because, having been raised in a staid and stony household (very much unlike the household she and my father created, into which they bore their children and through which they raised their children), I think the word "pornography" captures a bit of the excitement she feels about having a daughter who does what, to her, is a very foreign activity, combined with her inability to even imagine what sexual writing must be like. Considering it to be "pornography" allows her to share in my excitement about it at her own level without actually having to read the stuff. She's a funny woman. Sometimes, I can tell, when she is looking at me, considering me, she is thinking, "I created her?!? She came from me?!? I didn't know I had it in me..."
Good word to describe her and her life, "complex". She is, indeed, complex, and, as such, is going past that "point of no return" in her life in unusual and eye-opening ways, with much bravery, although she wouldn't consider it bravery, she'd consider it "just living". Which is exactly why I want to make it possible for her to continue as she has. And, you are right that I have a "beautiful relationship" with her. Sometimes it is so rich that I feel sad for my sisters that their lives are beyond having her in their lives so closely except through me.

Explaining My Life to Someone New - To MLDL

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Sun, 28 Oct 2001 06:20:00 +0000

    This is what I do right now and, as it turns out, how I survive. In December, 1993, I moved back to Arizona from Seattle because my mother, who is now 84, asked me if I would consider living with her because she didn't feel secure living alone anymore (my father died when they were both 68). I was shocked that she asked me. Considering the serendipitous life I've lived (and, as it turns out, still live) and the fact that my life certainly wouldn't be used as the poster child for stability or anything else people are supposed to have accomplished by the time they are in their early 40s, I couldn't believe that she would prefer me to live with her to her moving in with one of my sisters and their families, since they all have much more stable, conservative lives, husbands, kids, etc. But I was honored that she asked me and accepted because my mother is an amazing person and the one circumstance all her daughters wants to prevent is for her to be alienated from family or have to leave her own carefully sculpted circumstances. So I accepted. With great humility.
    For the first two years I continued to work full time outside the home. Then I began noticing that when I was at work she would sleep. She was sleeping at night then sleeping away the day instead of living the business and pleasures of her life. It occurred to me that it was time for me not only to "be there", but to become her companion. This occurred to her as well. For awhile I worked part time outside the home and I owned and ran my own brochure business from our home. As it became necessary I stopped being an employee so I could be with her and accompany her through her life so she wouldn't sleep through it. My mother is now quite dependent on me although I am still able to leave her alone for sometimes hours at a time without concern. Her memory is becoming quite creative. She is not suffering from Alzheimer's but the dementia that sometimes accompanies old age. She is no longer capable, for instance, of paying her bills, keeping up with her stocks, remembering to take medication as she needs it (most of the time she doesn't). She often forgets to eat, forgets to brush her teeth, etc. Essentially I run her entire life now, and a complicated life it is. It has been an adventure for me because her life business is complicated compared to what I've been used to. I have always, on purpose, kept my life business extraordinarily simple.
        The payoff of what I am doing is that my mother remains comfortable in excellent spirits and health, bright, although as I mentioned, mentally creative and becoming more creative every day, and she remains herself with her will and her character intact and aging gracefully. Although I had no idea what I was getting into when I told her I would do this, this is without a doubt the most amazing (and difficult) thing I've ever done. Old age is a grand and astonishing journey and I consider myself privileged to be able to study it intensely in a way mostother people don't.
    As well, of course I am surviving through her, I keep my hand in the business world on my own behalf by doing freelance editing, fixing people's computers, tutoring in computer related subjects. The money is negligible although it doesn't hurt but I do it primarily to keep my hand in the community. I have a large and growing, changing network of personal community in both our summer and winter home areas and often go back and forth on my own to keep up and honor those contacts. Essentially, I usher my mother through her life as well as live my own. Sometimes these cannot be done simultaneously. However, I am stubborn enough about my own existence so that I insist on it. At this stage my mother doesn't need sitters when I'm gone. She may at some point. But making arrangements for long term relief is a tricky business and has to be planned ahead. There may come a time when she will need to be cared for in a senior facility of some sort simply because her care may, as the care of some elderly people does, require a much more professional level of care than I will be capable of providing. But my mother, because of the peculiarities of her character and her life, is not a good candidate for the intermediate levels of professional care (i.e., assisted living facilities) of which many people in her stage of life take advantage. It is better for her and for her life that she be allowed to remain in her own homes among family for as long as possible. I'm the person in our family who is allowing that to happen.
    One of my other sisters is prepared to take her into her home in the event that my life requires more freedom but, at this point, my freedom and "my" life are not being infringed upon in any way, any more than survival infringed upon my life when I was wandering the world on my own. My love life, which, as you know, is important to me, has not suffered. I've gained and lost friends along the way but none of this has to do with my mother. I have continued to pursue my interests. In fact in this situation, now that I'm not someone else's employee, I have more time to pursue some of them. That is an unexpected perk. I didn't think about this when I accepted this role. And, yes, my mother knows of all my interests, including that I write pornography and have a pornographic web site. Although she refuses to read it isn't even interested, she brags about it among family and friends. She and I have always had (I don't know why, actually) an extremely frank and above board relationship. Although she is close with all her daughters and doesn't prefer any over any others I am the only daughter who has never been afraid to blurt anything out to her, to discuss anything with her, to approach her about anything at all. Somehow I think this may be why she instinctively thought of me when she decided she needed company. I am also the only person in my born-into family who got to know and form strong, unambiguous and unambivalent relationships with everyone else including my father, who was an amazing man in his own right and a difficult man to whom to relate. I have no idea how or why I was able to do this, especially since I've spent so much of my life as what would probably be called a vagabond. But, I was. So I am the right person to be doing this for her and with her.
    If you're wondering, I have no idea what I will do when she dies but I don't worry about that. I have, as I mentioned before, never worried about the future. It is beyond me to prepare for the future. When she dies I will continue on down the road as I have. That quality in me, too, is probably one of the reasons why this works so well for both of us. I am not chafing against any life I lost in doing this. I didn't lose any of my life or leave anything behind. I just continued on. She, as well, is not chafing against any life she lost by having to move in with one of her other daughters. She is able to keep her own life and so am I. It is an unusual "elder care" situation; unusual for both the elder and the caregiver. I can tell you though, the level of intensity of this situation is not something I'd repeat. I would not, for instance, when she dies, parlay all this experience into professional elder caretaking; not because I don't like what I'm doing but because, at this level, it bears no relation at all to any profession in the field of elder care. There is no way that it could. It is a unique situation.
    So when my life seems oddly unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming to you this is why. It is unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming. Being my mother's companion and manager, if you will, is not the only part that is unscheduled and overwhelming. I manage, without much effort, to keep my own life just as unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming as I did before I came to do this.
    Previous to doing this my life was a manageable (for me) amalgam of plying so many different skills to stay alive that, as you and I continue on our own journey don't be surprised if, on one day I say, "when I was a teacher", and then the next, "when I was an administrative assistant", and then the next, "when I was a musician", and then the next, "when I was a journalist", and then the next, "when I owned my own business", and then the next, "when I was an office manager", and then the next, well, you get the idea. It hasn't been that I've been trying to find the right career. It has been that my life is the right career and I have always pursued it in this way.

The Tide Is High - To MFS

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Tue, 23 Oct 2001 22:19:00 +0000

Mom's into another book, Dearest Friend - A Life of Abigail Adams and she's hooked, again. I'm pleased. The book club is reading both of the current biographies of John and Abigail Adams. Mom expressed an interest in them. Now I can't pry them from her hands. I told her she should consider going to the book club meetings with me on those books (actually, I hadn't planned on going, because I'd be 'down there' when they happened; but, I wanted to read the books, anyway, and Costco had them really cheap), and, you know what, she just might! I guess Mom is just beginning her ninth life (or, who, knows, it might be her fifth and she might have four more to go; I hope I have four more in me to match hers).

Getting Ready - To MFS

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Mon, 22 Oct 2001 05:09:00 +0000

    I have to tell you this. Tonight when Mom went to bed, she said, "Good-bye", instead of "Good-night."
    It startled me so I said, "Are you planning on dying tonight?"
    She laughed and said, "No, not tonight. I still have some things I've got to do."
    So, I said, "I know what those 'things' are. You've got to rest up for heaven. The sleeping time, there, might be limited."
    "That's right!" she said.
    Always be prepared, MFS, for anything, especially if it might not include a nap time.

...and you see me... - To LTF

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Wed, 10 Oct 2001 23:23:00 +0000

    A few nights ago my mother decided she wanted to watch a three part series called Hyperspace on TLC, broadcast in its entirety that night. The stuff it covered was at an elementary, although interestingly (but not always adequately) presented level, but she and I both pricked up our ears when the scientist who is credited with developing ion drive admitted he got the idea from a Star Trek episode. My mother turned to me and said, "Isn't that interesting! You might be right about your idea (doesn't matter which idea it was...this was an Ah-Hah conversation that, ultimately, had nothing to do with the idea to which Mom and I were referring)."
    "That's what I was thinking."
    A little later, when the program discussed how science fiction/fantasy writers function as advance troops for the scientific community (that isn't the way it was expressed, but that's the gist of it), my mother said, "You should write a novel about that idea of yours instead (of what I was planning and am doing with it)."
    I said, "I am, Mom, but, you know my history. The novel will go nowhere. I almost feel as though I should send out my material, from now on, addressed directly to the slush pile."
    Her gaze turned sharply critical as though she was looking right through me then softened and she said, "I believe you're right. There is something about you that causes people to ignore everything you say. I've never understood that." She sounded wistful, as though she wished it were different. She went on to acknowledge that people do like me, seek me out, ask me what I think, listen to me, then dismiss me, and only act on my ideas when they appear to have come from somewhere else, usually themselves. "Remember when your father did that?" She was referring to a couple of events, none of which I'll cover here.
    "You do it, too, Mom," I said.
    "I know," she said. "I've never understood that." Then, she returned to her advanced-age fog.

Changing Lanes - To LTF

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Mon, 08 Oct 2001 22:39:00 +0000

I think my mother has just about had it with the "going to the movies" experience (thank god for home videos). She wanted to see Hearts in Atlantis, so we went. I'm not sure what it is about the theater experience that bothers her but she was clearly uncomfortable throughout. I asked her afterwards if she'd had a problem with either hearing or seeing the movie. No, she didn't but she said, "We don't need to see movies in theaters, anymore, do we? I didn't get anything out of that movie." So I guess I'll get to practice again one of my favorite activities, going to see movies alone. I told her that's what I would probably do because there are certain aspects of the theater experience I prefer to video on a television. Actually, I've always preferred to go to theaters alone. When I go with people I know I have a hard time disconnecting from my companion(s) and devoting my entire attention to the movie (not to mention that, many times, companions are moved to "react" to the movie for the edification of their companion which just annoys the shit out of me). I promised her I would do it only in the afternoons when she was napping. "Be my guest," she said. I felt like I got a little piece of my life back.
In case you hadn't already guessed this, someone outbid us on my mother's dream house. She has already mentioned, once, to MFS, yesterday, that "we lost my house". I think we're on the downhill side of that problem, now. Yes!

I See You - To LTF

noreply@blogger.com (gail rae) — Wed, 03 Oct 2001 18:01:00 +0000

Different subject. My mother and I were doing errands yesterday [I got her out! Maybe it's easier for "mothers" to get mothers out than it is for daughters to get mothers out.], talking a lot, generally having a good time, and something happened that triggered a realization for me. She has a life-long habit of checking herself in the passenger side mirror off and on throughout any trip. She was amusingly vain when she was much younger, before I got to know the aspects of her that weren't my mother which, I think, happened when I was pretty young because she worked and since she was a teacher I often saw her at work. One of her perpetual comments when she looks in the passenger mirror is "Look at all the wrinkles I'm getting!" She isn't getting any more, nor, I think, are the ones she has getting any deeper. But hearing her say this today set me to thinking about how we all imagine ourselves. I was wandering the topic of self-image, specifically what might happen to one's self-image as one becomes much, much older, and why, and I stumbled across this: I think it might be a boon to many people of advanced age to have caretakers or close, attentive relatives who remember what they were like at several different stages of their life. We all imagine ourselves differently than others image (purposeful change in word form) us. But when there are people in our lives whose image of us includes large stretches of time and many changes our sense of who we are remains much more elastic and encompassing than if we are surrounded by people who only know us as "old". I realize that in some cases these long term relationships, emotionally volatile as they are, can also be restricting and that the people who are involved in them can inadvertently refuse to recognize who we are now to our detriment. But when long term relationships like this work for the old, I think it may be because there is a fullness to the unspoken images surrounding us that allows us more movement in any direction. Not that "new" relationships aren't good for the old. They have extraordinary value in that I think they allow wider present movement. I see this, often, when my mother is relating to her hairdressers, to people she's only known as an older adult, to strangers in the supermarket, etc. I think, though, there is immense value in being surrounded often by benevolent people who project onto one a range of years of identity fluctuation.